aumgirl.

I have been feeling anxious lately.  No major panic attacks have happened, but rather I have felt that my foundation is shaky.  Really, really shaky.  I have had a hard time concentrating, I have been a nervous wreck and I have developed a hatred for two things:  everyone, everything.  Needless to say, this is a terrible feeling and, like I told my mom this morning, I feel like I am teetering dangerously close to the edge.  What to do?  Clear out.

Today is the first day after my first cleanse.  It was a 3-day-er where I consumed 6 juices every 2-3 hours.  In the grand scheme of things, and considering that people all around the world go hungry for their lives,  3 days is absolutely nothing.  BUT, when  you are lover of all things food like I am (cooking it, sharing it, smelling it), 3 days can feel torturous. 

As one might imagine, I experienced an entire range of sensation, both physical and psychical, across these days.

Day 1: 

Great.  I am a warrior for even taking this on.  Each of the juices is amazing and I dirty look the people in line at my local Dunkin’ Donuts with a moderate amount of disgust.  “Look at me,” my eyes say, ”I am a cleansing WARRIOR and you are all slaves to caffeine and sugar!!!” Then I drank juice #5.  Then I puked.

Day 2:

Murderous rage cannot even begin to do justice to the “sensations” happening.  While attempting to conduct meetings at work, all I could think about was vanilla ice cream with maple syrup, salted macadamia nuts and butter.  Lots and lots of butter.  Bread?  Not necessary.  Thank goodness I had my boyfriend around to keep me on track or I would have made a beeline from the subway to the grocery store to my kitchen where I would have likely made a concoction of the three ingredients mentioned above.

Day 3:

The thought of eating solid food within 24 hours is basically all that got me through this day.  That and the thought that I made it this far already, so…why quit now?  And, let’s be real, the vanity angle is a good one sometimes.  My skin:  kinda glow-y.  My dress:  the teensiest bit loose.  Numerous people tell me I look “lovely,” despite the fact that the only makeup I manage to put on in my weakness is a few swipes of chunky mascara.  Most importantly, I feel caaaaalm.  No matter what the universe has given me this day to freak me out (and it was a lot), I am…stormless. 

Here is what I have always known about myself:  when times get hard, I buckle down and get shit done.  Here is what I didn’t always know about myself but am kinda glad I found out after this cleanse:  It is okay to feel angry and hungry and unsatisfied because it will pass.  This is the nature of things-this back and forth, push and pull.  

In yoga, we call it spanda.  In not-yoga we call it many things:  “I’m amazing; I’m horrible; I’m amazing again.”  “I’m happy; I’m sad; I’m happy once more.”  “I love you; I hate you; I love you a lot.”  We can support ourselves through this pulsation knowing that it is just that-a pulsation.  The nature of pulsations is for them to come, and for them to.  Their role is help us know we are alive and that we, in these impermanent bodies, can align and vibrate right along with them.  This, I think, is the definition of harmony (cue 3:05 above).